Saturday, April 11, 2009

Love in the Time of Cholera

Riddle me this - I am extremely lonely sometimes, although usually "alone" is my preferred state of being, and should not be confused with "lonely". Even so, sometimes it would be good to have adult conversations, and since one day I want to be married (again) and be someone's wife (again), at some point I will have to meet that someone, and we shall have to date, I suppose, in order to get there.

A man is calling me, and sending me text messages, trying to lure me out with the offer of sushi. He's funny, and we have a lot of common interests, and I should like him. Which is pretty much the story of my dating life, not much caring for the ones I "should," and falling head over heels for the ones that I "shouldn't."

And trust me, if a man likes me, there is about a 99% chance that I will not like him at all, most likely because I wonder what is so wrong with him that he finds me attractive.

I don't want to go out with him. This would be date number three, and I practically bolted out of his car at the end of date number two, because I simply could not stand the thought of his kissing me. Why? There is nothing wrong with him. There is, however, something wrong with me, I think.

This doesn't need to be a tarot blog, I have one of those, but tarot is so often my touchstone, and so often illuminating to me. I pulled a single card from my Anna K deck, asking why do I not want to take his calls? The answer - the Seven of Swords. For some reason, and it may be his fault, or it may just be something inside of me, I do not find him to be someone I can trust. Even worse than that, I see a despicable creature, a thief of valued things from unsuspectings, and the image makes my skin crawl, much like the thought of kissing this man does.

I suppose it is obvious that I do not need to be dating this guy, if for no other reason than I can't respect someone I see this way. It may be my own deep seated trust issues, or my intuition may be reacting to something about him, but I simply do not trust him, and I am loathe to put myself in a position of vulnerability with him. The thing is, though, I can't tell if it's because I am so damaged, or because I am actually picking up danger signs. Not feeling like you are able to trust yourself is awful, crippling, even.

Here's another rub - I have zero physical attraction for him, and that makes me feel so shallow. Shouldn't I be past all of that? I certainly don't care to be judged on the basis of my looks, so why would I do that to another person? And it's not like he's ugly, or even that I have a "type" I am looking for.

My head hurts and I don't want to go through the rigmarole of dating, but I do so much want to be in love and be loved. It's stinky.

Update - ARGH!

So, effectively dodging him for the past couple hours, I finally got wrangled into a phone conversation that essentially was about how much he liked me, and how he fully expected that I was going to be sleeping with him this weekend. Go me, and go my intuition. I am well aware that tv and movies make it look like singles today are all about the casual sex, but I am not, and it's not going to be a good road for me to follow. And what kind of ass even says that to a lady? Signing off, disgusted with men, and life in general, at the moment...