I haven't been hanging out here too much.
I miss S a lot, so much it hurts like that phantom ache you supposedly get when you lose a limb. He mattered that much to me.
Bound is bound, he would say. And so it is.
I'm gonna be okay. But I don't have to enjoy the trip from quivering, aching, senseless pile to okay.
For the record, I would do it all over again. Every last bit. I didn't get to keep it, but I had love.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I haven't been hanging out here too much.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Day 6- No tears today!
Awful anxiety about going to work, but it was okay once I got there.
Nothing much, really. I had 2.5 beers after work, at home, as a little Saturday treat. I don't know if that affects anything, but beer NEVER makes me cry, haha.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Today I am grateful:
~For having a good night at work and making a good amount of money.
~For getting to work safe and sound.
~To be scheduled enough shifts this week.
~For getting paid.
~For that delicious exhaustion that comes from working hard.
See a theme here tonight? I'm tired, too tired to really stretch, plus no kidlettes and I didn't do anything before I went to work but read and write a bit.
And this is why. There are at least eight inches of heavy, wet, slushy, slippery snow on the ground, and ruining all of our beautiful spring foliage. I can't stand driving in this. I also don't believe in risking one's life to get to work, but I guess I must go.
Day 5 - Cry, cry, cry. That's all I did yesterday.
And had a full blown panic attack, when trying to drive in the blizzard to get my munchkins. Heart pounding, cold sweat dripping down my armpits, shooting pain in my arm. Fucking snow.
I am grateful today!
~It snowed literally all day, big, fat, wet, heavy flakes, but I stayed home all day, but for an aborted attempt to get munchkins from school. It was snowing too hard to see anything, so I had to call their dad and ask him to do it. He wasn't happy, but he did. I was so grateful to just not have to try to be anywhere in the mess the weather was.
~I made a huge pot of black beans in the Crock Pot this morning, so it was all ready to eat whenever we were. Just made some rice and salad, and we were set. So easy!
~I ordered a tarot deck that has been on my wish list since I began to love tarot, at a very reduced price. The Haindl will be mine soon!
~I began reading a fantasy novel that I have somehow missed before, The Dragonbone Chair, by Tad Williams. I also read on Patrick Rothfuss' blog that he has finished his second in the series I became so attached to last year, The Wise Man's Fear. I love books. I love the way words string together to make something new.
~I had a dream that I broke my glasses. I can ill afford to replace my glasses, so I was VERY glad that it did not actually happen!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Day 4- I had more energy today, though dragging myself to work was still a pill (*snicker*). I just don't like leaving my house, though, so whatever I am leaving for has to be darn good. I like to walk, I like to go boarding, I like to go to the park and sit in the grass and feel the breeze caressing my skin, but I despise having to leave for too many other reasons, grocery shopping, appointments, anythign at all, really. I am just happiest in my little house, puttering or working or writing, or doing nothing at all.
On the more energy front, I made dinner, AFTER working, AND cleaned it all up, which, honestly, I have been too lethargic to do lately. It was one or the other, for a while. I felt less anxious, and definitely less irritable.
Hmm, boring, huh?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today I am grateful for:
~Having the energy to go to work, AND make dinner, both. It doesn't happen all that often, lately, though I may have turned a bend. We had fettuccine alfredo, steamed broccoli, and Italian salad, not the most exciting meal, but it was yummy! NicNoodle made the sauce (according to her) and the spring greens were really welcome. We had a good conversation around the dinner table, which always makes for a nice evening.
~This one may sound kind of morbid, but listening to Floppy Hair cry as he played the guitar last night. He tries so hard to be tough, to not let his emotions show, but all humans need to have a balance of tough and sweet. Also, I love listening to him play. He is so creative and so passionate about his creativities. He was talking to me tonight about the thrill he gets when he is writing something and can just feel it is good, and how right it feels to put the words on the paper. That is a feeling I know well, and hope to know better.
~It felt so delicious to slip into yoga pants and a sweater in the evening.
~Two of Floppy Hair's birthday presents arrived in the mail yesterday, so I was glad to have picked them up and stowed them away before he got home.
~I also got the kitchen completely clean, and it felt good to fall asleep knowing it wasn't waiting for me in the morning. Little Big Man, as usual, helped immensely, and NicNoodle vacuumed without being asked. Not well, haha, but she vacuumed.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Day 3 - Tummy still upset. I don't think I really feel any different, and I have only cried for one brief spell, but that was justified, and it was just a couple tears, and so it just has to be okay.
I feel pretty lethargic, but then there are plenty of times I feel pretty lethargic for no apparent reason, so this could just be one of them.
I ate way too many Starbursts tonight with no real food, so I may be sugar crashing now, haha.
S told me once that he didn't want me to take an antidepressant because I 'have a wonderful inner dialogue and antidepressants alter a person's inner dialogue'. Well my inner dialogue is saying he is a self righteous prig right now. Just sayin'...
I have so many things to be grateful for today!
~I had no nightmares last night! I know for some people, that is not unusual, but for me it is. I usually spend at least part of the night terrified and scared, inside my own head, and that is just not right, so I am so relieved and blessed on those days, err, nights, when I don't. I also woke up this morning without the alarm clock, which I usually take as a sign that I have had enough rest, and I always feel better when I waken naturally, instead of to the shrill of the alarm.
~I received my third copy of the Paulina Tarot today. The first one I gave to my aunt, the second one I traded with a fellow tarotista, but almost as soon as it was gone I was wishing for it back, so I nabbed it up on Amazon while it was inexpensive. I may not ever use it as a reading deck, but for now I am content to leaf through the cards.
~Work was short -n- sweet, just the way I like it!
~NicNoodle took a nap, so she was pleasant all evening. Usually, she gets tired and her inner diva becomes an outer spoiled little brat. She really can't help it. Little Big Man was, as usual, a fantastic helper, today with the kitchen. Floppy Hair got his braces off, and his teeth are perfect, straight, and gleaming. he looks so handsome, which of course he always did, but it is so strange to see his smile without the bling.
~Despite ravenous hunger and incessant cravings, I still fit into my smallest clothes. I am in the process of getting rid of all my too big ones, so as not to invite the weight back, since i have clothes to fit, haha.
Day 2 - My stomach was upset all day. I did not feel nervous anxiety much today, but I did not have to work or go to school, either, which seem to be the big triggers of it for me. If I could just stay home I would be okay, haha.
I wasn't going to cry at all today, but then I did. I found some old letters from S, but I guess there is improvement because normally I would have been off on a crying jag that lasted for hours, and left me with a raging headache, snot dripping down my lip, and simply wrung limp as a rag. Today's tears just slid out from my eyelids, and across my cheek. It was pain, but it was exquisite, razor sharp pain, it was focused and manageable, not the diaphanous cloud of pain with no beginning and no end. That is the worst of it, I think, when you can't see the way out. I don't mind hurting as much if I can know that there is a place where it ends.
Halfway considering a one night stand before I get side effects in earnest. That one in particular...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Today I am grateful for:
~The bright sunshine that slices through the bluest Colorado skies. It's uplifting to walk out into it.
~Little Big Man so graciously helped me with the laundry today. I did not ask him to, and did not intend to. He just started hanging things up and trying to be so helpful. I love him so. I love all three of them so.
~Some mornings, a Cinnamon Dolce latte just hits the spot in a special way that nothing else would.
~Seeing C, with his good hearted, sweet nature. I wished he didn't have to go so fast, but I was glad to see him. Also, a friend from my old work called me to tell me she is having a boy, something a tarot reading I did for her predicted a few months ago (with The Sun). I have to remind myself of these two things today when I feel sad, and like no one likes me, or that I don' have any friends. Yes, inside I am still a seven year old, too, sometimes, like my NicNoodle.
~I am grateful for the soft tears on my cheek as I read some old letters from S. They weren't the torrent I had feared, just tender acknowledgment that it was there, and for that time, it was good. It's so hard to hurt, but it was so good to love.
I don't want to have to take a pill to just be normal.
I don't want to be that weak. Everyone gets sad, and so do I. Sadness is supposed to happen.
No one can be happy all the time.
These are the things I have been telling my doctor, who retorts with these other things -
You have cried nearly every day for the past two and a half years. That's not okay.
You have PTSD. You didn't ask to put in the situation that blossomed that little gift.
It will probably not be forever.
So, these are the facts - yes, I have cried nearly every day for at least two years, maybe longer, but I have had reason to. I went through an agonizing divorce with a man I was very much in love with, after being subjected to physical and mental cruelty for years prior to that. That, however, was not enough to cause me to leave him, oh no, not me. I couldn't do it until he also cheated on me for several months, and for some reason THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back, and every day since then has been a struggle, with him, to get food on the table, with the courts and my kids.
I am not asking for sympathy. I actually do not want shred of pity at all. I put myself in that situation with him. I should have left a long, long time before I did.
I have come to an agonizing decision, at the behest of my doctor, to add an antidepressant to a regime I have already begun, long ago, to battle this great, looming sadness. At first I told myself it was natural, and it was, and that I could think positively enough to pull myself out of the slump. But I can't, and it hasn't happened. Diet, exercise, meditation, prayer, self love, positive thinking, yoga, tarot, journaling, vitamins, herbal remedies - I have tried all of these things, and many more, to stop being so sad all the time, and they just aren't doing it. I can't blow sunshine out my ass just because I want to, folks.
I'm ashamed. I don't want to need a pill to combat sadness and anxiety. I just want to be normal. I don't think I should get special treatment, get a pass out of life's rough spots.
But I have worked, HARD, I might add, to learn what I am supposed to learn, to make my attitude better, to stand on my own, and I am still uncontrollable sad, and miserable, and alone feeling.
I didn't choose this lightly, but I am ready for this veil to be lifted, to see colors in vibrant again, instead of washed away pale. I am ready to not cry over nothing and everything all the time, and to be able to pull myself out of bed without stopping to consider if it might not just be less work to go ahead and slit my wrists.
I'm only sort of kidding.
Thus begins a new chapter in my life - The Lexapro Diaries.
Day 1: Taking the pill after breakfast, because nausea is a possible side effect and everything in the entire world seems to make me nauseous. On the list of other possible side effects are things like insomnia, ejaculation disorder, fatigue and somnolence, increased sweating, decreased libido, and anorgasmia. Well, maybe if I am sick to my stomach, I won't eat so much, and I will lose weight, although I am not fat, everyone wants to be thinner, right? I don't ejaculate, and I am already fatigued and somnolent. I already have insomnia, but not to worry, there is another pill for that, but the problem is that I have nightmares, and if you have taken a sleeping pill you can't wake up from them. I know a good deodorant, and I am not in a relationship, so no one will care if I have decreased libido. Actually, that might solve most of my problems, having a decreased libido, and I might not have some of the ones I already do if I had suffered from decreased libido before this point. It could actually be argued that I have suffered more from my libido at normal than I ever could from havig it decreased (but don't tell my kids I said that; I love the little boogers).
Anorgasmia, hmm, what's the that? God bless Google, really, and I mean that.
It turns out that anorgasmia is the inability to have an orgasm. So let me get this straight - you want to take away the ONE thing that consistently makes me less anxious and happier with a pill that is meant to treat anxiety and depression? How is ANYONE supposed to be happy, healthy, and normal, without being able to have an orgasm? This does not compute for me, does not compute.
That might be the deal breaker for me.
So I talked to my doctor about it, who, correctly, pointed out that I do not maintain a sexual relationship with anyone just now. I simply blinked.
See, I told ya up there that my libido causes me problems. Oh well, I guess, hope for the best, and just go forth, because I doubt the showerhead is going to get offended, and honestly, my general state of mind can't get much worse, so maybe I am over rating orgasms in my mind.
Seven out of ten times I just cry afterward, anyway. It's so sad to have been loved and now not be. And I am not talking about THE EX, either. Fuck him.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I am grateful for these things today:
~Walking to school with the little ones this morning, watching them dodge puddles. Little Big Man exclaimed in delight at the frost on the wooden fences. "It's magical, Mommy! So cool!" Their delight causes mine to grow, too, and I am truly blessed with these children. When I had to be at work at 6am, working, by the way, for ungrateful and unscrupulous people, I missed this three of the five school days. That alone will be worth changing jobs!
~Zoe, the gorgeous Australian Shepherd - Welsh Corgi mix we rescued from the shelter, is becoming brighter by the day. She has been in our home nearly a month, and for the first couple weeks she would only sleep in my closet. Even getting her to go outside for walks and necessities was painful, for her. She would hide her eyes under her paws, and I could literally feel her praying for us to just go away and leave her alone. She was terrified, poor thing. She would reluctantly get up, and she would never ask to go out, not because she didn't know the deal, but because honestly I think she didn't want to be a bother. As we love on her, she is blooming, and that is worth so much more than the messes to clean up, or the worry chewing she does at times. Now she at least stands by the door, still silent, and she joins the family occasionally. She walks with her head up, and she is becoming ever more loving towards us. This is a wonderful lesson for the moppets in love and compassion, grace and healing.
~Singing My Girl with Princess NicNoodle in the car, but changing "my girl" to "my Nic". I hope that she remembers all of her life riding in the car, with the windows rolled down, the fresh spring breeze washing over us, and the giggles we shared as Motown music bounced around the car.
~We had a wonderful dinner at the table, spaghetti with mushrooms, and crisp green salad, laughing all together, the three little weirdos, brother, and me.
~I get to head to bed early and sleep as late as I want to, as long as that isn't past 7 am, haha!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Brightest Easter blessings!
Today I am grateful for so many things!
~It was so much fun to watch kidkins searching for brightly colored eggs. We had to stay indoors, for although there are three hundred days a year of sunshine in Colorado, this Easter morning was not one of them!
~A friend at the tarot forum I frequent had a set available I have much wanted for a long while. Now I have a little treat to look forward to in the mail, which must be a favorite past time of mine!
~The children ate with their other family, so a bowl of Cookie Crisp sufficed for me while I read The Witching Hour by Anne Rice, two of my favorite things. I have always loved that book by her. It may be my favorite of hers, though I did not much care for the rest of the series. I am like a little kid with cereal, too, the more sugary the better, although you can't really make it too unhealthy.
~I no longer have to get up at 4am for work. My new work schedule will actually allow me so much more free time, and I am eager to fill that up with studying, playing with kidlettes, cooking, and baking.
~I am so awed and amazed to live in a world that has such a Savior as the man who died on the cross, then defeated death. I don't have the words to adequately describe what this miracle means to me, but I am grateful.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Part of what I plan to do with this little offshoot blog is keep my Gratitude Journal. The idea comes from Simple Abundance by Sarah ban Breathnach, a beautiful soul who has worked very hard to help everyone in the world recognize their own beautiful soul, as well. I have been doing this in a handmade, offline journal for years, but I thought since I can type so much faster than I can write, and because gratitude and gifts of beauty should be shared, I could do that here as well.
She writes,"As the months pass and you fill your journal with blessings, an inner shift in your reality will occur. Soon you will be delighted to discover how content and hopeful you are feeling. As you focus on the abundance rather than on the lack in your life, you will be designing a wonderful new blueprint for the future. This sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work, transforming your dreams into reality.
A French proverb reminds us that 'Gratitude is the heart's memory.' Begin this day to explore and integrate this beautiful, life-affirming principle into your life, and the miracle you have been seeking will unfold to your wonder and amazement."
Today I am grateful for:
~Sleeping in on a Saturday morning while the rest of the house was quiet as well. There is something so delicious about being fast asleep and lost in pleasant dreams even after the sun has risen. I do not need this as a daily treat, but every now and again it is sweet.
~I had no place to go and nowhere to be. There were restrictions on my time, and I was able to while the day away as I pleased. Which, as per usual, was reading and writing, and shuffling of tarot cards.
~Dying Easter eggs with the moppets was supreme pleasure today. Even the big one with the floppy hair was not too cool to take part in it. I know these days are getting numbered, so they are especially sweet.
~We made scrambled egg sandwiches with cheese on grilled whole grain and ate fresh fruit slices with it, and it was simple, but it was goooood. So yummy! We are entering those perfect few weeks when strawberries taste like Heaven all shrunk down to fit in ones' mouth. Enjoy it!
~My dog loves me. She really, truly does. And that is so valuable, and it feels so good. The rest of my life might be a mess, and it is possible no man ever will, but Zoe loves me.
Riddle me this - I am extremely lonely sometimes, although usually "alone" is my preferred state of being, and should not be confused with "lonely". Even so, sometimes it would be good to have adult conversations, and since one day I want to be married (again) and be someone's wife (again), at some point I will have to meet that someone, and we shall have to date, I suppose, in order to get there.
A man is calling me, and sending me text messages, trying to lure me out with the offer of sushi. He's funny, and we have a lot of common interests, and I should like him. Which is pretty much the story of my dating life, not much caring for the ones I "should," and falling head over heels for the ones that I "shouldn't."
And trust me, if a man likes me, there is about a 99% chance that I will not like him at all, most likely because I wonder what is so wrong with him that he finds me attractive.
I don't want to go out with him. This would be date number three, and I practically bolted out of his car at the end of date number two, because I simply could not stand the thought of his kissing me. Why? There is nothing wrong with him. There is, however, something wrong with me, I think.
This doesn't need to be a tarot blog, I have one of those, but tarot is so often my touchstone, and so often illuminating to me. I pulled a single card from my Anna K deck, asking why do I not want to take his calls? The answer - the Seven of Swords. For some reason, and it may be his fault, or it may just be something inside of me, I do not find him to be someone I can trust. Even worse than that, I see a despicable creature, a thief of valued things from unsuspectings, and the image makes my skin crawl, much like the thought of kissing this man does.
I suppose it is obvious that I do not need to be dating this guy, if for no other reason than I can't respect someone I see this way. It may be my own deep seated trust issues, or my intuition may be reacting to something about him, but I simply do not trust him, and I am loathe to put myself in a position of vulnerability with him. The thing is, though, I can't tell if it's because I am so damaged, or because I am actually picking up danger signs. Not feeling like you are able to trust yourself is awful, crippling, even.
Here's another rub - I have zero physical attraction for him, and that makes me feel so shallow. Shouldn't I be past all of that? I certainly don't care to be judged on the basis of my looks, so why would I do that to another person? And it's not like he's ugly, or even that I have a "type" I am looking for.
My head hurts and I don't want to go through the rigmarole of dating, but I do so much want to be in love and be loved. It's stinky.
Update - ARGH!
So, effectively dodging him for the past couple hours, I finally got wrangled into a phone conversation that essentially was about how much he liked me, and how he fully expected that I was going to be sleeping with him this weekend. Go me, and go my intuition. I am well aware that tv and movies make it look like singles today are all about the casual sex, but I am not, and it's not going to be a good road for me to follow. And what kind of ass even says that to a lady? Signing off, disgusted with men, and life in general, at the moment...
Morning Pages... gotta do 'em so I don't be a blocked creative no more.
Yoga - it's good to stretch.
Gratitude journal - because "Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude." ~ Denis Waitley.
Meditate - it's good to breathe.
Cardio - gotta get the ol' heart pumping.
Scripture study - the stuff the Big Guy wants us to know is in there.
Prayer journal - the stuff I want Him to know goes in there.
Tarot study - I think there's some good stuff in there, too.
Read good books - so me talk pretty one day.
Take my vitamins - so I don't get cancer.
Make some friends - for (wo)man cannot live by bread alone.