Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Lexapro Diaries - Day 1

I don't want to have to take a pill to just be normal.

I don't want to be that weak.
Everyone gets sad, and so do I. Sadness is supposed to happen.

No one can be happy all the time.

These are the things I have been telling my doctor, who retorts with these other things -

You have cried nearly every day for the past two and a half years. That's not okay.

You have PTSD. You didn't ask to put in the situation that blossomed that little gift.

It will probably not be forever.

So, these are the facts - yes, I have cried nearly every day for at least two years, maybe longer, but I have had reason to. I went through an agonizing divorce with a man I was very much in love with, after being subjected to physical and mental cruelty for years prior to that. That, however, was not enough to cause me to leave him, oh no, not me. I couldn't do it until he also cheated on me for several months, and for some reason THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back, and every day since then has been a struggle, with him, to get food on the table, with the courts and my kids.

I am not asking for sympathy. I actually do not want shred of pity at all. I put myself in that situation with him. I should have left a long, long time before I did.

I have come to an agonizing decision, at the behest of my doctor, to add an antidepressant to a regime I have already begun, long ago, to battle this great, looming sadness. At first I told myself it was natural, and it was, and that I could think positively enough to pull myself out of the slump. But I can't, and it hasn't happened. Diet, exercise, meditation, prayer, self love, positive thinking, yoga, tarot, journaling, vitamins, herbal remedies - I have tried all of these things, and many more, to stop being so sad all the time, and they just aren't doing it. I can't blow sunshine out my ass just because I want to, folks.

I'm ashamed. I don't want to need a pill to combat sadness and anxiety. I just want to be normal. I don't think I should get special treatment, get a pass out of life's rough spots.

But I have worked, HARD, I might add, to learn what I am supposed to learn, to make my attitude better, to stand on my own, and I am still uncontrollable sad, and miserable, and alone feeling.

I didn't choose this lightly, but I am ready for this veil to be lifted, to see colors in vibrant again, instead of washed away pale. I am ready to not cry over nothing and everything all the time, and to be able to pull myself out of bed without stopping to consider if it might not just be less work to go ahead and slit my wrists.

I'm only sort of kidding.

Thus begins a new chapter in my life - The Lexapro Diaries.

Day 1: Taking the pill after breakfast, because nausea is a possible side effect and everything in the entire world seems to make me nauseous. On the list of other possible side effects are things like insomnia, ejaculation disorder, fatigue and somnolence, increased sweating, decreased libido, and anorgasmia. Well, maybe if I am sick to my stomach, I won't eat so much, and I will lose weight, although I am not fat, everyone wants to be thinner, right? I don't ejaculate, and I am already fatigued and somnolent. I already have insomnia, but not to worry, there is another pill for that, but the problem is that I have nightmares, and if you have taken a sleeping pill you can't wake up from them. I know a good deodorant, and I am not in a relationship, so no one will care if I have decreased libido. Actually, that might solve most of my problems, having a decreased libido, and I might not have some of the ones I already do if I had suffered from decreased libido before this point. It could actually be argued that I have suffered more from my libido at normal than I ever could from havig it decreased (but don't tell my kids I said that; I love the little boogers).

Anorgasmia, hmm, what's the that? God bless Google, really, and I mean that.



It turns out that anorgasmia is the inability to have an orgasm. So let me get this straight - you want to take away the ONE thing that consistently makes me less anxious and happier with a pill that is meant to treat anxiety and depression? How is ANYONE supposed to be happy, healthy, and normal, without being able to have an orgasm? This does not compute for me, does not compute.

That might be the deal breaker for me.

So I talked to my doctor about it, who, correctly, pointed out that I do not maintain a sexual relationship with anyone just now. I simply blinked.

See, I told ya up there that my libido causes me problems. Oh well, I guess, hope for the best, and just go forth, because I doubt the showerhead is going to get offended, and honestly, my general state of mind can't get much worse, so maybe I am over rating orgasms in my mind.

Seven out of ten times I just cry afterward, anyway. It's so sad to have been loved and now not be. And I am not talking about THE EX, either. Fuck him.