Blue Dress Diaries 1- In Which It Begins

So, after three years and more of this tumultuous on again, off again relationship, I have found myself a single gal.  Am I ready to start dating again?  Most likely not, but the best cure for an old love is a new one, and Dr. Phil talks about earning your way out of relationships, and I certainly did that with this one.  Let my therapist (and my sister, who seems to take an unhealthy amount of interest in whose beds my boots are under) worry about that.  You jump off then you build wings, or some optimistic bullshit like that, ala Ray Bradbury.

Great guy, gonna love him til I die, but sayonara, baby.  Vaya con dios, see ya on the other side.

An interesting thing about the universe is how when you are open to things, things come to you.  Case in point- I woke up one morning with a wild hair and The Wheel of Fortune, and I decided it was time for me to actually do something about wanting to be in a relationship.  In the next three weeks, I went on dates with six different men.  Two of them I actively sought out by placing an ad on a questionable website.  250 distinct emails later (minus the 10% for spam one of the dates said I had to give), not a single cock pic, and I had it narrowed down to two.  A cock pic might have helped, guys.  The other four were happenstance, random chance, a matter of timing, I guess, and you coulda knocked me over with a feather.  I would not have said there were even six single men in Denver, let alone six who would be interested in me, and me in them.  More to come, I am sure, but that’s letting the carriage run right over the horse and not really here nor there, for now.

Some funny shit has happened to me in the past few weeks, and if I don’t save it for posterity, I will regret it later.  So, I announce- The Blue Dress Diaries.

Original name?  Not so much.  I’m okay with that.

I have a great blue dress.  It’s cerulean, to be exact, a wrap dress that shows off my good bits and goes far in forgiving my worst.  The color is beautiful on summer skin, and my Mohican blood gives me that all year long.  It also gives me a propensity to diabetes and alcoholism, so let me take what pleasure I can from it.  It’s all occasion, dressy enough if a first date springs for a nice dinner, but casual enough to not be out of place for afternoon coffee.  Two dates in, it dawned on me that instead of freaking out about what to wear, I could ease my anxiety a great deal by just wearing the same gorgeous dress on every first date I have til I’ve had my last, a fat bulge bursts out of it, or it falls apart.  I’m hoping one of those happens before the others, because getting fat(ter) is not gonna help my chances any, and I don’t want it to be long enough for the thing to become rags.  I don’t think there are batteries enough in the world.

And because I’m me, and on the theory that I might be a writer, and if I am not letting it all hang out all over the place it festers and rots in my brain, I decided to write about it all.

I have to say, I do not think a woman needs a man to be complete, nor do I feel incomplete without one.  I also think, though, that it is complete bullshit, and a great disservice to single people of both genders, that our society teaches that admitting you would rather be with someone than not makes you weak, or unfulfilled, or somehow less of a person.  I am strong, with a very full life, which I mostly love, at least today, and I have great people in it.

Eventually, though, I would like to have (another) husband, and I am not going to feel bad about that just because those bitches fucked their way across New York City  for all those years.  And PS, they all ended up married, or in a monogamous long term relationship, at least.  I’m a great wife.  I cook like mutha’ fuckin’ riot, I’m not jealous or possessive, would prefer to have sex twice a day, and while I like to snuggle and be affectionate, I feel no need to be attached to my man’s hip.   I have a metric ton of issues, too, but I believe love covers a multitude of sins.  I don’t think it’s wrong to want to love someone, to want them to love you back.

Sister, Sister

I dreamt of my sister last night, in all her tawny wildness.  She was always like that, not quite tame, not quite knowable.  Fierce and ferocious, tender and soft, all together.

Yesterday she turned 31.  She wouldn't talk to me to hear me say, "Happy Birthday" to her, though I do wish it for her.

In the dream, we raced through a verdant meadow.  "Wait til you see, Mandy," she cried over her shoulder at me, long blonde hair flying in the wind, dimple gleaming.  We raced and raced, never tiring, and the sun matched our pace, always sunset, orange and crimson on our dusky summer skin.  She stopped suddenly, and fell to the ground in a graceful heap.  She was always like that, too.  Beautiful as she moved, easy in her own body.  Me, I was never graceful like that.  I couldn't stop, I kept going, and she called at me to stop, not go too far.  The far end of the meadow was dark, a dark gash looking like a toothless mouth in the side of cliff face.  A golden mountain lion appeared, and screamed into the dying sun.  My heart stopped for a moment, truly stopped, and my sweat turned to ice on my skin.  My sister lay in the tall grass, and she giggled softly.  "I told you, Mandy" she said in my head.  I turned to run, and again her voice in my head, "Don't run.  They'll see you.  They'll chase.  They'll have to."  Wise, so wise.  "Come and lay in the grass.  Lay so still, and you'll see."  I dropped down near her, the native grasses swallowing us both whole.  We lay as still as dirt itself, warm in the sun.  Soon, a musky scent filled our nostrils.  I almost wiggled, but her voice in my head stilled me.  "Wait."  Wet sandpaper against my skin, purring so loud it rattled my bones in my ears.  The lions had come.  "I told you," her husky voice said, in my head, and I was in bliss.

I think you must both be a sister and have a sister to understand the particular torment they inflict upon each other.  A true mystery, how you can love someone soul deep, and hate them so bitterly, at the same time.  A bright mirror, and a dark one, two halves of a whole.

This is Love

 

Max and Lola, who are pretty sure they are the cat's pajamas.

What Gives You The Right?

I am going to tell you what is so insidious about monitoring where people go online, especially in their own home, especially in their own computer.  It is akin to invading a person's thoughts, as they make one connection to another, skipping blithely along the world wide web.

Dear neighbor,

I apologize for "borrowing" your internet but it seems mine is no longer my own, and having to make justifications for what websites I visit when just does not jive with me.  I'll bake you some banana bread, okay?

Yours,

~M

*sigh*

These things  are definitely my own fault, but I'm learning as I go.

 

If I had to, I could go without my television for a month

Well, I don't even watch television now, so it would be easy! Computer, and cell phone, however, carry my life's work around in them, so I would be pretty desperate without them.



Besides, all the best shows can be downloaded!

 

Better Today

I am feeling better today, though my poor intestinal track is tore up from the floor up.

I am avoiding my problems at work by not going, which I realize is a flawed plan because eventually I will run out of money, actually sooner rather than later, but I am tired of being hated for doing what I am told to do, and I am tired of He Who Shall Not Be Named flat out lying about what has gone on.  (I don't care that you are a cokehead, honey, and I am not gonna tell anyone.  You might want to wipe a little better when you come out of the restroom, though, and I don't mean your ass.)

Assuming my tore up intestinal track cooperates, I am going to get some good work done around the house.

Little Big Man busted up his arm playing football, getting tackled/fallen upon (having seen the beefcake in question, I lean toward the latter) by a rather large child, and he was being so tough about it, Fixxxer asked if his only weakness is kryptonite.  LBM responded, "No, fat kids are my only nemesis."  He is a funny little dude, and all apologies if you either are a fat kid, were, or are raising one.  As a former fat kid myself, I realize that this entire paragraph is falling on the line of appropriate, and likely breaking its' arm.  However, they can be hell on little dudes, but LBM has resolved that he has to get quicker, on the very good logic that in order to not get fallen on by fat kids you should be able to run faster than them.

Floppy Hair has managed to not steal anymore of his brother's baby dose Vicodin, a feat for which he assumes he should be praised.  I am to the point of taking what I can get with that child.

The rain continues, and some giant douchebag to remain nameless left the door in his room open, and it made the whole house freezing, as well as likely ruining the carpet.  Look, homeslice, I realize you are a sweaty bastard, but it's 40 effing degrees outside.

All in all, it's been a lazy day.  Which I approve of.

Funkdafied

I am in a funk today.

The sun won't shine and I didn't go to work. My cards don't wanna talk to me and I have a million things I want to write but I can't, because I am not at all certain they can just be my things, thanks to a snooping roommate. It's hard to create when you may be forced to share your creation before it's time. It's crippling, I would go so far as to say.

I feel fat and ugly and mean and petty.

My house is messy and I am behind at work.

Floppy Hair is a teenager, and that is pretty horrific all on its' own.

There are never enough hours in a day and I don't feel I am doing a very good job of managing the ones that are there.

And I'm lonely. Soul-deep lonely.

I'll be better soon. But today I am in a funk.

'Thunderkiss '65' needs to be blasted

Thunderkiss '65 by Rob Zombie

You Really Got A Hold On Me by Smokey Robinson

Jimmy Eat World by A Praise Chorus

Those Three Little Words

He breaks me, over and over, with those three little words.

I miss you.

That's it. That is all that was on the screen of my cell phone. Nothing earth shattering, nothing life changing, nothing I didn't already know, but there it was, and can someone tell me why those words hurt just as much, no, even more than the harsher ones?

Sapphire Grill has the best dessert

Well, let's face it - everything at the Sapphire Grill is divine. I am particuarly fond of the tiramisu. Would it be overly pathetic to drive three hours one way alone for some?

Changes

THE EX is moving away from the condo complex we have both been living in for the last nine months. This has been good for the kids, indifferent for me, but apparently hard for him and his girlfriend. I don't see why it should be, but who am I to judge them?

I don't want my baby away from me for a week at a time. I don't want her to have to change schools, make new friends, and settle in all over again. I don't care about seeing him with the woman he cheated on me with, not now, but it was good to have us both so close to the same school for the kids.

It would be good if, at some point, we could get enough healing in our lives to be able to be on good terms again. I don't hate him anymore. I did, for a while, but as I grow and learn and let go of the sadness, I have let go of the hate as well. I just wish my girl would always be near.

Lexapro Diaries - Day 21

Day 21- Nothing interesting enough has really been happening on the medication front. I was moved up to double the dose I began with. I do not seem to be suffering too many side effects, but for that dreaded one, and I am not testing that theory yet.

I still HATE the idea that I have to take a pill to "be normal". Everyone else manages to manage their life just fine, but I need outside help, and that rankles.

I have been sleeping a lot, going back to sleep after kidkins go to school, taking naps when I get home from work, but I probably need it. I work hard, physically, and school really took a toll on me this semester. The sleeping could be a side effect of the medication, but honestly, it is nice to sleep peacefully for once. It has been months, maybe even years, since I have slept well, and I did not know how precious it was until I didn't have it anymore.

Back in Black

I haven't been hanging out here too much.

I miss S a lot, so much it hurts like that phantom ache you supposedly get when you lose a limb. He mattered that much to me.

Bound is bound, he would say. And so it is.

I'm gonna be okay. But I don't have to enjoy the trip from quivering, aching, senseless pile to okay.

For the record, I would do it all over again. Every last bit. I didn't get to keep it, but I had love.

Lexapro Diaries - Day 6

Day 6- No tears today!

Awful anxiety about going to work, but it was okay once I got there.

Nothing much, really. I had 2.5 beers after work, at home, as a little Saturday treat. I don't know if that affects anything, but beer NEVER makes me cry, haha.

I Don't Want To Go To Work

And this is why. There are at least eight inches of heavy, wet, slushy, slippery snow on the ground, and ruining all of our beautiful spring foliage. I can't stand driving in this. I also don't believe in risking one's life to get to work, but I guess I must go.

Lexapro Diaries - Day 5

Day 5 - Cry, cry, cry. That's all I did yesterday.

And had a full blown panic attack, when trying to drive in the blizzard to get my munchkins. Heart pounding, cold sweat dripping down my armpits, shooting pain in my arm. Fucking snow.

Shame

I just devoured a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich, even though I was not really hungry and I have no memory of what it tasted like. Sometimes I just don't feel like I can ever get full.

Lexapro Diaries - Day 4

Day 4- I had more energy today, though dragging myself to work was still a pill (*snicker*). I just don't like leaving my house, though, so whatever I am leaving for has to be darn good. I like to walk, I like to go boarding, I like to go to the park and sit in the grass and feel the breeze caressing my skin, but I despise having to leave for too many other reasons, grocery shopping, appointments, anythign at all, really. I am just happiest in my little house, puttering or working or writing, or doing nothing at all.

On the more energy front, I made dinner, AFTER working, AND cleaned it all up, which, honestly, I have been too lethargic to do lately. It was one or the other, for a while. I felt less anxious, and definitely less irritable.

Hmm, boring, huh?

Lexapro Diaries - Day 3

Day 3 - Tummy still upset. I don't think I really feel any different, and I have only cried for one brief spell, but that was justified, and it was just a couple tears, and so it just has to be okay.

I feel pretty lethargic, but then there are plenty of times I feel pretty lethargic for no apparent reason, so this could just be one of them.

I ate way too many Starbursts tonight with no real food, so I may be sugar crashing now, haha.

S told me once that he didn't want me to take an antidepressant because I 'have a wonderful inner dialogue and antidepressants alter a person's inner dialogue'. Well my inner dialogue is saying he is a self righteous prig right now. Just sayin'...

Lexapro Diaries - Day 2

Day 2 - My stomach was upset all day. I did not feel nervous anxiety much today, but I did not have to work or go to school, either, which seem to be the big triggers of it for me. If I could just stay home I would be okay, haha.

I wasn't going to cry at all today, but then I did. I found some old letters from S, but I guess there is improvement because normally I would have been off on a crying jag that lasted for hours, and left me with a raging headache, snot dripping down my lip, and simply wrung limp as a rag. Today's tears just slid out from my eyelids, and across my cheek. It was pain, but it was exquisite, razor sharp pain, it was focused and manageable, not the diaphanous cloud of pain with no beginning and no end. That is the worst of it, I think, when you can't see the way out. I don't mind hurting as much if I can know that there is a place where it ends.

Halfway considering a one night stand before I get side effects in earnest. That one in particular...